it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
