Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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