I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
