I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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