I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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