um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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