I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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