24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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