Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
