I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
