so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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