Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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