does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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