Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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