In the future we'll all be gay
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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