Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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