Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
