Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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