there's paper in my vomit.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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