Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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