i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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