the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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