I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
