you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
