There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
