I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
