Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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