i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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