when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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