Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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