well I can't set my house on fire every night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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