I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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