The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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