Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
