I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
