I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
