If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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