I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
