Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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