you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
