You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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