Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
