God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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