I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
