I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
