did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize