I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
