the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
