i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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