Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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