If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
