I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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