ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
