I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
