im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
