paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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