theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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