I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize