Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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