they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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