apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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