So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
