allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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