You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize