How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
